The vitamins Ledger

Burrow Buried Everybody: Week 8 Is Oren's Fucking World

oren dropped 179.88 and 13 TDs, Spencer dropped a 95.72 turd, and Max keeps setting the all-time standard for mediocrity.

Week 8 · 2026

💩 Ass Team of the Week

Spencer

Sutton on MyConkey

Spencer Finishes 12th of 12 and Starts a Guy Who Scored 2.6

Spencer put up 95.72 points, dead last in a 12-team league and a full 33.7 below the 129.43 league average. He started Tyler Loop (2.6) like a man who'd never seen a football game, then left 15.92 points rotting on the bench. He lost to Zach by 30.78, and Zach's QB Lamar Jackson scored a flat zero. Spencer got boat-raced by a team with a goose egg at quarterback. That's 2-6, a 3-game skid, and 0% playoff odds. Two-time champ, now a fucking crime scene.

🏆 Weekly awards

🐶 Top Dog

oren

oren posted a league-best 179.88, nearly 50 over the league average. Joe Burrow went nuclear for 39.48 and Ja'Marr Chase added 31.1. Disgusting. Pull the plug on the rest of us.

🍀 Lucky Charm

Lewis

Lewis scored just 123.9, only 8th best this week, and still beat Max for an upset. Zay Flowers gave him a donut and it didn't matter. Fall-ass-backwards into a W3 streak.

🐍 Snakebitten

Coby

Coby dropped 136.58, 4th best on the week, and still lost to oren. That score beats the league average by 7 and gets you nothing. Sit down, 2-6.

🪑 Benchwarmer of the Week

jonah

jonah benched Tyler Allgeier (36.1) and started Jeremiyah Love (2.3). That's a 33.8-point swing straight into the toilet. He won anyway, so the fantasy gods are clearly drunk.

📸 Photo Finish

jonah

jonah edged evan 131.76–121.06, a 10.7-point margin. Not exactly a nail-biter, but it's the closest game we had. Slow week for drama. Evan started Tre Tucker (0) over DeMario Douglas (16.6) and lost by exactly the margin he'd have covered.

💥 Blowout of the Week

Ethan

Ethan hung 149.38 on dylan's 102.80 for a 46.58-point beatdown. Dylan started Chris Godwin Jr., who scored 0.0. Fuck.

🏈 Results

oren over Coby, 179.88–136.58. Burrow threw six TDs and Coby still scored 136. Wrong week to run into a buzzsaw.
Ethan over dylan, 149.38–102.80. Upset, and a 46.58-point curb stomp. Ethan started Omar Cooper Jr. (0.0) and still won by 46. That's how bad dylan is.
Tyler over Aidan, 148.50–126.00. Tyler coughed up 4 fumbles and still won by 22.5. Aidan's FREEDOM lineup got body-slammed.
Zach over Spencer, 126.50–95.72. Zach won with a zero from Lamar. Spencer's lineup is a medical emergency.
Lewis over Max, 123.90–111.06. Upset. Max loses his 4th straight. Sixteen moves this week and still can't win.
jonah over evan, 131.76–121.06. Won by 10.7 after benching a 36-pointer. Sloppy sex, but a win's a win.

📊 Power Rankings

oren (7-1), power 66.8, up 1. Playoff odds 99%. Cooked.
Zach (5-3), down 1. Odds 96%. Best all-play record in the league at 64-24, but only 5-3.
Lewis (6-2), no move. Odds 94%.
jonah (4-4), up 1. Odds up 19 to 65%, the biggest jump in the league.
Tyler (6-2), up 2. Odds 95%, up 9.
evan (4-4), down 2. Odds down 12 to 56%.
Aidan (5-3), down 1. Odds down 9 to 72%.
Max (3-5), no move. Odds down 16 to 20%. Biggest drop of the week.
Ethan (2-6), up 3 for the big win. Odds still 0%.
Coby (2-6), up 1. Odds 1%.
Spencer (2-6), down 2. Odds 0%.
dylan (2-6), down 2. Odds 0%. L5 streak. Dead last, as earned.

⭐ Studs and Duds

Studs

Joe Burrow (oren): 39.48. Six TDs. Absurd.
Tee Higgins (Zach): 37.5. Carried a team with a zero at QB.
Ja'Marr Chase (oren): 31.1. Second stud on the same roster. Greedy fuck.
Bhayshul Tuten (Ethan): 29.9.
Tony Pollard (Aidan): 28.7. Wasted in a loss.

Duds

Zay Flowers (Lewis): 0. Won anyway, lucky bastard.
Omar Cooper Jr. (Ethan): 0.
Chris Godwin Jr. (dylan): 0. Another one down on dylan's pile.
Lamar Jackson (Zach): 0. A QB1 laying an egg. Zach still won by 30. Absolute psychopath behavior.

💸 The Wire

No trades this week. Every one of you pussies is too scared to make a deal.

Max was the busiest manager with 16 moves, including a bid of 5 on Antonio Williams. Sixteen moves and he's still 3-5 on a 4-game skid. All that activity, zero results.
dylan bid 2 on kicker Chase McLaughlin. Dude's 2-6 and his big move was a kicker. Rearranging deck chairs.

🍀 Luck Index

Lucky

oren (7-1, all-play 59-29): luck +1.6. Pretty good team, too, so don't cry.
Tyler (6-2, 51-37): +1.4.
Lewis (6-2, 54-34): +1.1.

Unlucky

Max (3-5, 48-40): -1.4. Worst luck in the league. Still a dogshit team though.
jonah (4-4, 56-32): -1.1. Should be better than 4-4.
Zach (5-3, 64-24): -0.8. Best all-play in the league and he's just 5-3.

📖 Record Watch

Nine entries this week. Buckle up.

Most Total Touchdowns (single game): oren tied it at 13 TD, matching Coby's 2025 W5 mark. Tied, not beaten, but still filthy.
Most Total Touchdowns (single player, single game): Joe Burrow hit 6 TD for oren, tying evan's 2025 W11 Josh Allen game.
Most Fumbles Lost (single game) (bad): Tyler tied it at 4 fum, matching Lewis's 2025 W5 mark. Four fumbles and he still won. Sloppy as hell.
Best Season Win %: oren is on pace at 87.5% (7-1), knocking off jonah's 80.0% (12-3, 2016).
Most Touchdowns per Game: oren is on pace with 7.63/gm (61 TD in 8 games), over Coby's 6.31/gm from 2024.
DEF Crown: Ethan now holds it at 1,334.0 career DEF points, edging Spencer's 1,329.0 by 5.
Most Even Rivalry: Coby & Tyler at 4–4 over 8 meetings (avg margin 20.3), replacing Aidan & Tyler at 3–3.
Worst Win Percentage (bad): Max takes it at 42.5% (57–77), taking it from oren's 42.3% (55–75). Congrats, you're the worst winner in league history.
Hardest Career Schedule (bad): Ethan at 103.0 over 10 seasons, replacing Tyler's 104.3 over 5. Ethan, your schedule is brutal and so is your team.

📜 This Week in League History

Coby has a history of beating oren by a hair. In 2023 he won 146.72–145.32, a margin of just 1.4. In 2016 he beat evan 140.45–138.70 by 1.75. This week he lost by 43.3. Different Coby.

The highest score ever for this week is still Coby's 201.75 from 2018. oren's 179.88 didn't catch it. Not today, oren.

Also, defending champ Coby (2025) is 2-6 and 2024 champ Ethan is 2-6. Champions never last.

🔮 Next Week

Max vs evan: Max leads the series 8-7. Projected 124.87 to 120.86. Loser of this one might be eliminated.
Lewis vs Aidan: Lewis leads 5-4. Projected 139.73 to 130.8.
Tyler vs Ethan: Tyler trails 3-7. Ethan is projected 112.96 to 107.87. Revenge game for Ethan's schedule.
oren vs dylan: oren trails 2-4 in the series. Projected 138.54 to 120.34. Dylan, please don't embarrass yourself again.
Spencer vs jonah: Spencer trails 5-6. Projected 108.47 to 128.07. Spencer's probably doomed.
Zach vs Coby: Series tied 4-4. Projected 118.43 to 102.13.